


Hesitation

by takemylifenotmyheart



Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 19:49:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16939596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takemylifenotmyheart/pseuds/takemylifenotmyheart
Summary: Bucky and the reader are both shitwhipped for each other but neither of them know about the other. Who’s going to be the first one to break under the pressure?





	Hesitation

“Steve, you in there?” Bucky hesitantly asked, pushing open the door to Steve’s room. When he saw him inside, he walked in and plopped down on his bed without a word and out a frustrated groan into his hands. Steve looked up from the book he was reading to curiously look at his best friend, Bucky was dramatic but rarely this much.

“What’s up, Buck?”

Bucky only groaned into his hands again as a response. Steve rolled his eyes and went back to his book. Bucky would speak when he wanted to. Meanwhile, he really needed to update himself on America’s political condition since the 1940s. Just as he’d predicted Bucky spoke up in a while, his voice sounding somehow small.

“I don’t know if I want to go out with Y/N tonight.”

That caught Steve’s attention.

“What? But I thought you liked her?”

Wasn’t he whining about how “her eyes shine while she laughs, how is she this beautiful it’s not possible Steve” just the other day? Damn Bucky, you’re a player Steve thought, if he could get over her this soon. Too soon. Take it from someone who couldn’t get over someone after remaining frozen for 70 whole years, Steve thought. But hoe or not, Bucky was his best friend after all so he wasn’t going to judge. Much. Maybe just raise an eyebrow.

“I do.” Bucky said with finality. “I like her too much to spend time with her as just friends,” he said after a pause.

Ah so that was it. Classic. Steve tried to cover up the little smirk forming on his face, as he looked over at his lovesick best friend.

“Then maybe you should tell her, Buck?”

As always, the obvious solution never struck Bucky. When asked him, he said the exact same thing about Steve.

“I want to but, what if she doesn’t feel the same way? I mean, we haven’t officially talked about it or anything you know?”

Bucky finally turned around to face Steve. He didn’t get this modern dating situation. He loved spending time with you, he adored it but neither of you had ever really had “the talk”. Or any talk. Both of you just got along very well and loved spending time with each other and somewhere along the line feelings had crept in. It had for you as well but Bucky didn’t know that. Neither of you could point a finger objectively at how it had started. Bucky was the resident Grump and you were the designated chatterbox, it was an unlikely pair if there ever was one. But Bucky loved listening to you talk about - everything. And you did, talk nineteenth to the dozen about each and every random thought that came to your brain. From the conversation you overheard on the subway to how you thought the world had been blessed by the creation of sweet onion sauce - nothing was off limits and you never ran out of things to talk about. You loved talking and Bucky loved listening to you, he never complained even if you’d forgotten you’d said the same thing to him twice before. Your chattering kept his mind occupied without him having to do anything to distract his own thoughts away, your excessive thoughts dispelled his unwanted ones by just taking up all his attention. It was a strange kind of calm Bucky wasn’t used to because as a person Bucky hated talking which is why he wasn’t exactly the first candidate anyone ever signed up to talk to, except you. You never spoke to him as much as you just spoke in general, and so initially Bucky had gotten away with just one word contributions, if at all. Over time he began to want to spend time with you, not just out of convenience but out of comfort. He had grown strangely fond of you and out of that fondness, love and affection had emerged. Bucky talked more, laughed more and Sam had even complained at breakfast one day that he wasn’t living upto his nickname anymore. He was visibly upset at the development and he didn’t keep it any kind of secret. You’d sort of worked a makeshift way into Bucky’s heart without meaning to and the problem was that Bucky didn’t know how to move forward from this juncture. Sometimes he felt like the two of you were dating, when you walked back to the compound holding hands late at night after having been to see a ridiculous romcom only to point out the several things wrong with it and to leave the movie hall in splits of laughter. Or when he agreed to go drinking with you and regretted it because you dozed off on his chest the minute you got into an Uber and Bucky had never been so close to you. His hands had gently wrapped around your waist, holding you in place while you slept soundly with your head against his chest - your mouth slightly parted open and deep in sleep. Waking you up when the car reached the compound was one of the hardest things Bucky had ever had to do. He didn’t know, were these things friends did? Because back in the date the movie would’ve definitely counted as a date but he didn’t think things worked the same way anymore. Not that he was complaining, but with his feelings growing every day he had no idea what he should be doing. He didn’t want to tell you he liked you if it would end up ruining the friendship you both had but then again he couldn’t stand being around you any longer without telling you how he felt either. The words danced on the tip of his tongue, itching to be let out.

“Goddamnit, I don’t know Steve. She’s infuriating you know? I can’t stand being around her without wanting to grab her and kiss her, I just-”

Neither of them noticed you push the door of Steve’s room ajar at this very moment. You couldn’t find Bucky and you wanted to ask him if he was ready to go out with you for the evening. You hadn’t found him in his own room so the next and obvious choice was Steve’s. What you didn’t expect was what you were about to hear.

“I can’t stand being around her. I don’t want to go out with her, not again after last night, it’s too much. You think I should just call that girl from the bar last week or something?”

It felt like someone had punched you in the gut. Very hard. You drew in a sharp gasp at the mention of the girl from the bar and you knew your feelings were about a lot more than just him cancelling on you. For all purposes he basically implied that he was sick and tired of being around you and it hurt even more so because you had a huge, huge crush on Bucky fucking Barnes. He didn’t know, he could never know he’d probably be weirded out by it so you’d kept it to yourself. You’d taken the fact that he wanted to hang out with you at all as huge, you’d never expected him to. But he had and each moment you spent with him, your crush on him only kept worsening. You knew you could never tell him but that didn’t help the bitter lump in your throat that was quickly rising. Swallowing thickly, you pushed the door wide open to look at both Bucky and Steve, praying desperately for your eyes to not start watering immediately. Steve looked like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world but right there and Bucky looked at you with a slight mixture of horror and anticipation.

“You know I just heard every word you said, right?” Your voice was low and bitter as you trained your glare on Bucky, you only hoped it wasn’t quivering. That was too much emotion for the apparent situation without the backstory. “You know what? It’s fine, you don’t have to come play laser tag with me. If you can’t stand being around me, why didn’t you just tell me?” The words were rushing out of your mouth faster than your brain could keep up and your eyes were beginning to tear up but you didn’t care. You had to get it out. “You know it was you who brought up wanting to go play laser tag, not me. I hope you have fun with that girl from the bar.” You hurled the words at him, wiped away a stray tear that had escaped and slammed the door shut on your way out. You were already ready to leave so you rushed out as quickly as you could of the building. You couldn’t get away fast enough. A tiny part of you almost wished that Bucky would come running after you but of course he didn’t, he didn’t seem to care much for you back there, now did he? You snorted at your high hopes as you made your way to the bar down the block. You were sure laser tag was effectively ruined for you for a while now. You didn’t know how things between you and Bucky we’re going to be now and on top of everything, you were now also upset. Not just because he was a crush, but because he was much more than just that to you, you’d probably just lost the closest thing to a best friend you had as well and you had no idea how you both could go back to that anymore without you telling him how you felt.

By the time you’d come back from the bar, it was late. You weren’t drunk, but you were definitely tipsy. You were busy fumbling around your desk for a scrunchie when you heard your bedroom door squeak open and a painfully familiar voice speak hesitantly, drawing the pauses in between his words out.

“Hey can I uh come in?”

“Sure, whatever.”

You were a tiny bit glad that he’d come to talk to you, meaning he’d probably stayed up but it still didn’t nearly make up for what he did, or said rather. The most you could do was try and be dismissive.

Great job Y/N, that totally showed him how hurt you are.

You mean, you hoped it did.

“Can I talk to you?”

Your throat tightened up once again at his words, this time you didn’t have to try to be bitter. It came naturally, your voice harsh and on edge.

“What else do you have to say to me that you haven’t already?”

“I wanted to say-” 

You turned around to face him as you spoke and it was Bucky’s turn to become pale as he noticed the fairly prominent hickey on your chest, under your right collarbone.

After you’d stormed out he was so perplexed for a while didn’t even understand what was happening and by the time he did it was too late. He would’ve gone after you if it wasn’t for the fact that he still had no idea what to say or do. As hours went by, he started getting more and more fidgety before finally deciding to tell you how he felt once you got back. He’d stayed up on tons of caffeine but when he saw that, all his plans went out of the window.

“- I uh hope you had a good time tonight.”

Bucky was figeting with his fingers, refusing to look up at you. This whole thing is a mess, Barnes. He couldn’t tell you anymore, might as well just try to salvage the friendship. But then again, could he really be just friends with you anymore? Like he was telling Steve, it was getting harder and harder to just be in your presence day by day without his fingers itching to touch you. You didn’t know if it was the alcohol but something about the way Bucky looked when he said that felt so off-putting somehow. You could trick yourself into believing that he almost looked somehow sad, but that didn’t make sense? Your curiosity took over the part of your monkey brain wanting to keep up the pettiness and asked, albeit grudgingly,

“Why do you look like you’re upset you’re the one who cancelled on me remember? Or were about to anyway.” You added the last part in a lower mumble, but Bucky caught it anyway and that lit the fuse again.

“You heard what I said out of context, that’s not what I meant!”

Bucky’s voice rose to a shout as his eyes lit up in frustration.

“Well then, what did you mean?”

Your voice rose to match his as your rage flared up as well in an instant and you stood with your arms crossed, waiting for his explanation. God, you really hoped there was an explanation. However, none came. It felt like you’d just suddenly doused the fire with a bucket of water and it all felt like a sort of anticlimax.

Meanwhile, Bucky didn’t know if he wanted to tell you at all anymore, not after he’d seen that fucking hickey. What would be the point? God damn you and your big mouth, Barnes. Couldn’t keep it shut, could you?

You watched Bucky fumble and felt your stomach growl. You really needed to eat something, it was past 12:30am and you were hungry. Besides, you hated fighting with Bucky. It just felt so awfully wrong, you wondered how you’d ended up like this after spending last night at Tony’s fund raiser standing by the bar and laughing in each others’ arms. You decided to give in a little, somewhat out of hunger, somewhat out of the lingering effects of alcohol and somewhat because you really hated fighting with Bucky and didn’t know how to end this one. So you asked him, your voice as well as you a little exhausted, “Look, I’m hungry can we take this to the kitchen?”

Bucky nodded and followed you to the kitchen. He stayed silent the entire time you whipped up some pancake batter and made pancakes for yourself. You asked him if he wanted any and he just shook his head. After you were done, you sat down at the kitchen counter with your pancakes and a jar of Nutella and looked up at Bucky, pointing at him with your knife.

“I’m eating. You explain. You have until I finish my pancakes.”

With that ultimatum, you shoved a generous piece of chocolate pancake into your mouth.

“Well, back in my day-”

“Jesus Christ Bucky not with that again.”

Even with your mouth full, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes in exasperation. Was he really playing that card right now?

Given his long winded route to the point had just been cut short, Bucky didn’t have many options left and just decided to get straight to it. He’d had a lot of time to think while you were cooking and he’d decided that he had enough faith in you to believe that you wouldn’t let things change between you two even after he told you how you felt about him. That, and the fact that there was no way he could be around you any longer and not have you at least know how he felt about you. He simply had to do this, there was no way out and so he took a deep breath before saying, his voice low and soft at the same time,

“I like you, Y/N.”

Attacking your way through your pancakes, you missed all the details that had gone into Bucky making the declaration. If you had, maybe you would’ve caught on but you didn’t. Which is why you simply deadpanned him again.

“I like you too Buck, that’s why we made plans to hang out remember? Before you bailed on me for some waitress or whatever.”

Get over the fucking waitress, Y/N. Try as you might, you couldn’t. The thought kept lingering at the back of your mind, ever since he heard it. You kept wondering which waitress it was, had you seen her? It was hard to know which one it was because most of the female population had heart eyes for Bucky and a lot of them weren’t shy letting him know about it. You stabbed your pancakes a little more aggressively.

“Goddamnit Y/N, that was not the point. You didn’t even let me finish, you just rushed the fuck out!”

That did it, for you.

“Oh I’m sorry did you want me to stay back and listen to you talk more about whoever the fuck she was?”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“Then what did you mean Bucky, care to fucking explain?”

Your pancakes were long forgotten now, the atmosphere suddenly hostile and very vulnerable. You were glaring at Bucky, your tears threatening to spill again however much you didn’t want them to but you held your gaze. You needed to know once and for all what it really was, he’d been avoiding the explanation for the entire time and you needed to fucking know what it was that he meant, that he kept defending.

“I really like you Y/N, that’s what I fucking meant.”

The words started spilling out of Bucky’s mouth almost out of anger at your instigation and as they did, your eyes widened in the slightest at his admission but your heart rate was suddenly so much faster. Bucky liked you?

“I couldn’t go out with you and pretend to be friends, I couldn’t stand being around you for a second longer without thinking of- not after last night at that party.”

Jesus christ they did NOT have dresses like those back in the day, Bucky thought.

Oh, you thought.

“I didn’t know what we were because we’d never talked about it and I didn’t know how to bring it up because…”

Bucky trailed off, the sudden confession driven by your accusation now quickly running out of steam and Bucky was at a loss of words once again. Your heart was thumping loudly in your ears as spoke up in the softest possible whisper, your heart rate now going at a mile per minute.

“Because?”

“Because you kinda intimidate me.”

What.

“The Winter Soldier, intimidated by me, really?

You cocked an eyebrow at Bucky and asked teasingly. He just shrugged in response and you gave him an incredulous, questioning smile. The Intimate Moment was gone in a flash, you were back to your usual dynamics and you were beyond glad about it. There was however, a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart, that you imagined would take getting used to.

“You literally have a vibranium arm.”

Bucky simply shrugged again and you rolled your eyes good naturedly. In moment however you realized that you had something similar to tell him as well, by way of confession. Your teasing expression was slowly replaced one of slight apprehension as you nervously fidgeted with your hands a little. You didn’t know why you were nervous at all, you just were.

“I have something to tell you too, Buck.” You began slowly and he looked intently at you, gently coaxing you into saying what it was you wanted to. “I like you too,” you softly whispered, looking into his eyes to see his reaction but to your surprise their expression somehow harderened instead of being joyous.

“You don’t have to say it back to me out of pity you know? I can see the hickey on your chest, you’re not exactly trying to hide it,” Bucky roughly said, his voice harsh, trying to hide the anger he felt at the fact that you’d not take something like this seriously and joke about it.

“I’m not! Bucky-”

You couldn’t believe how long it was taking the two of you to get together and all because of misunderstandings and miscommunication. It was honestly insane. “-when I heard you saying you didn’t want to go out with me I was hurt and I went to the bar down the block and downed a few shots and there was this random guy-” you desperately tried to explain the situation as quickly as possible. It meant less than nothing and you didn’t want a drunken bar encounter to come between this - you and Bucky, finally. “- trying to make out with me and this is all he did,” you vaguely gestured at your chest. He was such a bad kisser.” Your explanation was incoherent - it was random words strung together with the bare minimum meaning possible but all you wanted to do was get it out as fast as you could, as if somehow worried that if you took longer Bucky would suddenly stop liking you in the split of a second.

“So you really like me too?” Bucky had to ask once again, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It couldn’t be real, right?

You shyly nodded and you saw Bucky with a grin on his face that was growing wider and if possible, cockier by the second,

“C’mere. Let me show you how you should be kissed.”

You tentatively made your way around the counter, the smile on your face broadening by the second as you approached Bucky. Two steps away from him, he grabbed you by the waist and yanked you towards him. The momentum caused you to bump against his chest and you blushed at how close you were to him. He held you by your waist, your body pressed against him as he softly tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. As you were looking into his eyes, time seemed to slow down and then he crashed his lips onto yours and you lost sense of everything else around you except for this kiss. You moaned into his lips, you’d been imagining this for so long but nothing could compare to how it actually felt. In a swift move, Bucky picked you up by the back of your thighs and sat you on the kitchen counter. Your fingers pulled on his hair and the soft groans that fell from his lips into yours were one of the hottest sounds you’d ever heard, you wanted to keep drawing them out forever if he let you. Bucky’s hand went to your head as he gently pulled your head to the side with just enough force to make it erotic and nipped at the expanse of your sensitive neck. You moaned at the sensation of his teeth nipping and bruising your skin as his lips travelled from your neck to your chest. His cool metal hand was keeping you firmly in place atop the kitchen counter, preventing your from wriggling away from his grasp.

“Bucky it- it tickles Buck,” you giggled childishly as his hair tickled your chest and you felt him smile against your skin. He placed a chaste kiss and rose up to look into your eyes, his own were twinkling with mischief. You bit your lip and averted his gaze, there was more adoration in his eyes than you knew what to do with.

“I hope you aren’t too fond of this hickey doll, because I’m sure as hell not,” Bucky grumbled into your skin, barely audible, as he lightly sucked your skin. You nodded in a trance, his lips against your skin making you more and more wanton by the second.

“Good, because I gave you a another one- over it, and was hoping that- you wouldn’t miss it, too much,” Bucky whispered very close to the shell of your ear, his gravelly voice making your skin shiver, pausing once every few words to kiss your jaw. You squeaked as his cool metal fingers slipped under your flimsy top, grazing your skin, the cold contrasting sharply with the warmth of your skin and you felt Bucky’s lips curve into a smile. You smacked him and he laughed against your skin and your lips involuntarily curved into a smile as well, despite yourself. How could they not? You didn’t know what came over you as you tried to push Bucky away from you by his shoulders.

“Bucky!”

Bucky simply whined in complaint against you, refusing to let go of your touch, once he’d tasted the feel of your skin. You kissed the top of his head and giggled as he made an elaborate show of only kissing you harder with ridiculous sound effects.

“Bucky!” You pumelled him as he grudgingly raised his head from your chest to look at you with a frown on his face, looking like a little boy who’s toy had been snatched from him without explanation. You held his face in your hands and the expression in his eyes softened as you looked into them.

“I love you,” you said sincerely. You meant it. It was true you loved Bucky, you had for so long now that it was almost like a fact of life for you. You needed him to know that, you needed him to hear it from you. At your words Bucky’s fave broke out into the most shy, adorable fucking smile you had ever seen on him and his eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas. He grabbed his hands over yours on his face and leaned in to kiss you hard, like he was afraid he was dreaming this all up and he would wake up soon and it would all be over in the snap of a finger. You kissed him back with every ounce of passion in you and when he broke away, you were both gasping for breath. You squealed as he grabbed you off the counter and hitched you up on his waist in a moment.

“I love you too, doll. I love you so fuckin’ much.”

You simply beamed at him and pecked him on his nose. He scrunched it up and pretended to not like it but you knew better.

“Wait, where are you taking me?”

“To the bedroom doll, where else? You didn’t think that’s all you were getting out of me tonight, did ya? That loser at the club’s got nothing on me, baby.”

He gave you the cheesiest wink in all of romantic history and you threw back your head and laughed.

“Maybe I should’ve walked in on you and Steve earlier.”

“Maybe you should have.”

Smack.

“Ow!”

“I punched your metal arm Buck, it hurt me.”

“Sorry…?”

“Just shut up and kiss me.”

“Yes, Ma'am.”


End file.
